Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.