Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”