Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!