Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.