Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.