Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.