Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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BETRAYAL
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.