Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?