Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

A roof is a house hat.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.