Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
why isn’t he texting back
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that