[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT