pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

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*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam


I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.


Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:


Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.


*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.


All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.


[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!


me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?


My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!


My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.