@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

You Might Also Like

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

@putyoursisterd1

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

@MrsTomServo

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

@jwoodham

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

@LackOfShame

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

@MarfSalvador

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@mrtruthandsoul

My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!

@copymama

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.