Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Bros before Ohioes

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now