Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

What flavor cupcake are these

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT