Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Who’s your best friend?

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.