Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.