paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.