paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes