paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
an airline just for babies.