Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Can Happiness buy money?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
i meant to share this earlier
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism