Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Can you solve the riddle??

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?