Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.