Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

ㅤㅤ

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

three things we don’t talk about

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….