Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol