Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December