Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.