Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

Said the murderer.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them