Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.