Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation