PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
me hitting on a model
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
monday
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.