@baronvonbike

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

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@Parkerlawyer

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

@Browtweaten

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

@copymama

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

@stuzario

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@ozzyunc

You’d think a pandemic
would have more bread.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

@dumbbeezie

I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s

@Kaldruen

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.