PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Try and stop me.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”