My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”
So close, kid. So. Close.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
You’d think a pandemic
would have more bread.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.