PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

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“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently


How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)


Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.


“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”


Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.


Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..


Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs