PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.


Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda


Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.


My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


You’d think a pandemic
would have more bread.


Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please


I wish we could still defeat bullies with synchronized dancing like in the 80s


My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.