PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
What happened to the other hiker??!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.