Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

me 2 months after i graduated

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.