“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Oh hi lol
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.