“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
rapatouille
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I created you as mosquito food.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
No flush
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.