*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Just a friendly reminder!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.