PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
lol
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
