PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
