PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
the battle rages on
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good