Peace was never an option
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“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia