Peace was never an option
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.