Peace was never an option
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.