Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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#JohnTravolta
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.