Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

ok hear me out: Luigiana

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?