Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”