pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.