peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
subtitles are so good nowadays
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.