Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Become a minion. Get that bread.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that