Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Attacked by a mop.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

it’s the silliest best thing

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.