Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

step 6: release the wall snake

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”