PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
they split up moments later
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me irl
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano