PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker