PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.