peak technology
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I have so many questions.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.