Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Fight

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”