Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane