Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Well, that should do it
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.