Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates