Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass