peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*launders Kohls cash*