peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Yup….perfect score!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.