Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.