Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

That’s no pocket rocket.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Finally

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?