Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.