Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.