Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”