Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Did my cat write this

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.