“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth