Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

Me :

All Day At Night

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.