Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

This headline is a thing of beauty

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts