Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Ken is short for chicken

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.