Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Can. I. Help. You.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!