@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

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@AbbieEvansXO

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

@sad_tree

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@WheelTod

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

@fakeadultmom

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

@primawesome

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

@dumbbeezie

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals