[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Sharon I have some bad news
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.