Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals