[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire