Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.