Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

? 💀

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”