Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.