*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
There’s always that one guy
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.