I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
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“I’m going to live with you guys forever”
My five year old threatened
Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.