*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

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I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.


“I’m going to live with you guys forever”

My five year old threatened


Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.


4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge


Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory


Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.



Me: You know what else I don’t get?


H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?


If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.