Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,