Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

rip to my favourite tweet

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].